Lately, I’ve been thinking about getting bangs. My gray-streaked hair is getting long, so I pull it back in a ponytail or bun. Then, with no softening effect around my forehead and cheeks, my well-earned wrinkles are on full display, and I have something of an angry look.
The caveat to the bangs idea, however, is that little old ladies are not supposed to have them, or long hair either. Kind of like the outdated no-white-after-Labor Day rule. A few hair experts say it’s OK for a woman past 40 to wear long hair and bangs if, if, if, and more if’s. Since I don’t qualify on any of the “If’s,” long hair and bangs are a No-No. “If” I had thicker hair with good fiber and strong tensile strength, I could have a cascade of lovely white hair swirling about my shoulders. Like those elegant, white-maned women in the menopause commercials. But, alas, as a hair stylist once told me, “You don’t have hair; you have frog fur.”
My defective hair type apparently calls for very short hair worn with big chunky earrings.
One web site telling me how I should look features Dame Judi Dench, Helen Mirren, Ellen Degeneres, and a bunch of other over-50 celebrities wearing their “strands cut into an extra short pixie haircut in a style looking extra polished with closely-cropped nape.”
Of all the words I’d select to describe my so-called style, “PIXIE” is definitely NOT one of them.
So, I’m opting to do whatever the heck I want to do.
I’ve seen older ladies in dyed hair or wigs, wearing their gold lamé and bejeweled cat’s eye glasses, festooned in beads, bracelets, and brooches. Sporting bright red lipstick and heavy makeup. Sometimes it looks sad and pathetic, but sometimes, depending on the lady, it looks great, as if an older woman is saying to the world, “I ain’t dead yet, and I’m happy with how I look.”
I’m going to take a chance and go with long, graying hair and bangs. Veronica at Dawn and Company is enough of a magician to minimize the sad and pathetic aspect of that hairstyle. In fact, she’s responsible for my hairdo in the accompanying column photo. I was having one of my very few good hair days when The Log photographer snapped it. It’s also my official funeral photograph. No other pictures of me should ever be displayed in public as they would only add to general milieu of melancholy on such an occasion.
Since I’m defying the rules on how I should look at my age, I thought I’d share some dress code tips for older people. Along with the short hair, no bangs, and no-white-after-Labor Day mandate, these guidelines are meant to be humorous and broken with wild abandon if you’re old enough and eccentric enough to do so.
By way of preface, let me admit that many of us over 50 (make that WAY over 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we’re projecting and whether or not we appear publicly acceptable as we try to conform to current fashions. Heaven forbid, in these days of tiptoeing around while trying not to offend other people, we should dress in such a way that constitutes a social faux pas.
The dress code for the older set prohibits the following style combinations:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned denim shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. In-line skates and a walker
14. Tattoos and wrinkles
15. Stiletto heels and a knee brace
And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion:
16. A thong and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you leave the house.
Mary Ready of Destin is a twice-retired English teacher and long-time area resident. Her columns are published on Saturdays.